Shame, manipulation, force and coercion emphatically do not build character.
(However well meaning; however subtle, however meant to “help us see”, “help us learn”, “help us grow”, “help us get over ourselves”, “help us deal with adversity better”.)
Our culture is built on the myth that human beings, left to their own devices, will be lazy, “sinful” in religious contexts, selfish and destructive. That we need external, top-down control in order to earn our right to feel we’re good people.
When we are immersed in this paradigm, we can’t trust ourselves. We practically need the oppression, the control, the rules, the shoulds.
In my view, this myth is how come we systemically give away power to spiritual authorities. Not only to charismatic people who seem or claim to be more advanced than the average person, but also internally.
In our relationship with our Higher Power, with Life itself, with the Universe, many of us have internalized that we’re going to be “put in our place”. We fear who we might become if we let ourselves out of the cage of toxic control. This particular program runs very deep — I see it even in people who’ve been dismantling oppression for years, hidden under different guises.
Of the many models describing human needs, the evidence-based Self-determination Theory (SDT for short) is, in my view, one of the most elegant. It distills three core human psychological needs: Autonomy, Mastery and Relatedness.
These elements are the “nutrients” we must have to thrive. Take those away, and we wither. With them, we become the best version of ourselves.
SDT illuminates that we human beings do our best when driven by intrinsic motivation — stemming from within and not solely for external rewards — and that extrinsic motivation, whether carrot or stick, never produces true excellence or sustainable soul-growth.